Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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