Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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