It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The uberlube is also flammable
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
