My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
