I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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