i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Sorry my hands just texted you
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
