Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
