bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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