Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
worst night to have a conscience
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
