oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
