I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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