Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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