we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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