I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
