; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
