I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
