is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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