The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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