went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
