tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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