who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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