his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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