Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
