He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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