Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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