Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
