and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
