So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
