i just sent this text using only my big toe
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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