I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
