if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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