you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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