The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
