textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
