nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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