Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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