Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
