I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dear god my vagina.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
