We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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