i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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