were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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