A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
