so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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