M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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