So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
