i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
