Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
