gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
