someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Randomize
