I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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