pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
