btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
