Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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